Month: January 2023

Why did the baker hurl an insult at the bread dough? To get a rise out of it.

Did you hear about the alligators that joined the FBI? They became investi-gators.

A farmer is tending his sheep when a smart dressed guy in a porsche pulls up. Guy says “if I tell you how many sheep you have can I take one”. “Sure” says the farmer. The guy gets out a GPS, camera, laptop and after a few minutes says “you have 142 sheep”. The guy picks one up and puts it in the car. The farmer says “if I can guess your job can I have my animal back”. “Sure”. “You’re a consultant”. How did you know? “You came here un-invited, charged a fee for telling me what I already know and you know nothing about my business, now can I have my dog back.

“Dad, can I watch the TV?” “Sure, but you’re not allowed to turn it on”

“Shall we make a cheese platter to take tonight?” “That’s a Gouda idea”

Doctor Doctor, I think I’m a pair of curtains.” “Pull yourself together man.“
I was driving along the road the other night when I saw a strange creature on the side of the road. It had three eyes, no arms and one leg. So I pulled over and said to him, “eye eye eye! You look ‘armless! ‘ ‘op in!”
I made a fence once. My wife couldn’t get over it.
got a dog from the blacksmith the other day. Soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
What comes before part b? Part-ay!!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”
I met a voiceless pig yesterday – he was disgruntled to say the least.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Ahmal’. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ‘Juan’. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
Can we buy this kitten Dad? It doesn’t have a bar-code. Why would a cat need a bar-code? So they can do a cat-scan at the register.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme, but this one doesn’t
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannelloni do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it.
Would you like to be an organ donor? Sure, I don’t play the organ so you can have any that I get.
Lets take all the bad chemistry jokes and barium.
I was up all night worrying, then it dawned on me.
Why is there no Panadol in the jungle…? Because Parrots-ate-em-all
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do you call a chicken looking at a piece of lettuce? Chicken sees a salad.
“Why did the chicken cross the road?” “To get to your house“ “Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “A chicken

Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms.

The job of a scarecrow is a tough one but hay… its in their jeans

What do you call a weapon-selling Tyrannosaurus Rex? A small arms dealer.

Teacher: “Give me a noun, Tom?” Tom: “Dust” Teacher: “Correct. Now give me collective noun.” Tom: “Vacuum cleaner.”